Any Given Sunday Fantasy Football League 2011
So, I'd have done a recap of the slate of week 1 games, but I was in 1st place with my 1 year old daughter's birthday to plan, execute and enjoy and after attending the Michigan / ND game, figured that my life had jumped the normal track that normal lives normally traverse, with ebbs, flows, ups and downs, and landed itself on an anomalous timespace Mobius strip full of hoppy beer, naked virgin spring-breaking coeds with an insatiable desire to sexually satisfy, with football on every other TV channel and the Godfather I and II on loop on every other one, where nothing ever would ever go wrong ever. As I found this weekend, I just happened to be on the most extreme end of a pendular ride on a bolt of lightning that had just acquiesced the surrounding plasmatic air's reassembly into normalized gaseous molecules. The elemental structure of the universe has returned equilibrium. Fuck. You. Fantasy. Football.
"Cake? What cake?"
Suck it Irish. Suck it.
You might be asking, "Mike, what in the fuck are you talking about?" To you sir, I would say, keep reading.
The Jets score 32 "real" football points and PlaxToTheMax and LT combine for 1/2 of a fantasy point? That is, in fact, a question, I really don't understand and am looking for clarity. Edit: I just checked: 3 FGs, 1 D/ST TD, and a rushing Tuddy by Greene. Fuck. You. Fantasy. Football.
Brady overthrows Branch in the end zone in the 3rd qtr to cost me 12 combined fantasy points between the two, in what was likely his only bad pass of the season so far? Having those two on your fantasy team is like having a threesome with Brady's wife and his other baby's mama every Sunday. I'm pretty sure I just got fucked by the pizza delivery guy and a Wal-Mart greeter from a small town with unsafe levels of lead and arsenic in their water. Fuck. You. Fantasy. Football.
fantasy within a fantasy, like "Inception"
So, all in all, a pretty fun week of Fantasy Football. A couple matches came down to the wire, most notably Nick eeeeeeeeeked out a victory thanks to 3 J Brown field goals to maintain a small lead over Eli's predictably pedestrian performance on Monday night. Gary was hoping against hope that Jacobs could close the gap for him, but Ahmad Bradshaw kept pace and beat his teammate. Kind of funny to watch two backs on the same team playing against each other. And Don was hoping for something more from Hakeem Nicks, but when a guy named "Manning", but not named "Peyton" is throwing the ball to your last player, you can expect to be disappointed. Speaking of, I'm proud that my Colts are tied for the lead in the Andrew Luck Sweepstakes. yay.
The Unlosered Yets - "yet" being the operative word, fuckfaces
1. King Slayer [260.5] - You mutt bastard. You beat the best team in the league. I hope you sleep well tonight and then are haunted by your success and falter like…
2. The Clintonians [256.5] …Clint around week 8 or 9, as he usually does. Last year's playoff appearance was an obvious aberration. For what it's worth [2 wins] Clint has swept his nuclear family series, defeating his little bro in week 1 and his ol' man in week 2. Reminds me of that preachery kid from "There Will Be Blood". I… drink… your… milkshake, Clint. I drink it up… EVERYDAY!
3. Rated Arg For Pirates [238.5] Frank lives in Pittsburgh [ew], and I'm pretty sure his fantasy football team name contains a baseball reference. There will be a trophy to "honor" this egregious misuse of ESPN's user-editable fields. We should probably also create a trophy for "winner with the lowest points", because you'd get that one, too. Good win, Frank, good for you. Fucking Pittsburgh. I can't wait for all of the Steelers fans about to roll into my city this week and pretend that #18 is under center when they beat the living shit out of the Colts.
4. Boston NoNeckNicks [210.5] Despite his #1 pick accounting for a total of 4 fantasy points, Mr. Brehmer has strung together a couple wins, albeit coming against the two statistically worst teams. Which, since this is fantasy football, really just means the two worst teams. Kickers won't be able to bail you out every week, bro.
The Average Joes - so depressingly average [for me… Dirk is thrilled]
5. Naptown FinkleHorns [256] I am awesome. I am also at .500. But, mostly, I'm awesome.
6. Panda's Are Cunts [249.5] FYI: that apostrophe doesn't belong there. Either way, it's probably the best team name so far this year. Keep up the good work. But we can let it slide for now because you, sir, have earned the BIG DICK Badge of Honor. Coming a week after earning the FIAT Fuck! Say Fuck! Trophy. Things are looking up for you Slovy! Which can only mean one thing: complete and utter failure is lurking right around the corner.
close enough, right?
7. Team Zubak [235.5] Zubak scored the most points of any loser for this week. Check out the Other League News below for details on - yes - another trophy. This loss also cements fantasy lore into fantasy gospel, that Joe Flacco will never, ever fail to disappoint his fantasy owners when he's needed most.
8. The Slippery Mittens [207.5] Last week Dirk's kicker outscored everybody in his lineup except his QB [27 pts], with only his kicker posting double digits [10]. Goes from the BUTT HURT participation ribbon to DOMINATOR AWARD in the span of the week. This week Dirk says:
fuck the world!
Oprah's Holocaust Cellar [because down here it's a little crowded and there's not a lot of hope… BUT… FREE TATTOOS FOR EVERYONE!! you got tattooed! you got tattooed! you got tattooed! everyone gets tattoooooooooed!]
9. Rock Hill Stars [212.5] - The Stars have yet to align for the league's patriarch. I hate to think that Don will be 100 years old before things come together for the Stars. If that's the case, dollars to donuts Don is growing horns out of his head.
this is real
10. The Bloody Mummers [204.5] You "earned" the BUTT HURT participation ribbon, so "Bloody" certainly applies. And if "Mummer" is some English term for "Eric's Asshole" well, then I completely agree.
11. Team Relentless [202.5] Barron's team has been relentlessly hit by the injury bug. Peyton Manning's end of his deal with the devil came due this offseason, and Marques Colston is out for another couple weeks. Luckily, he didn't take Arian Foster or Jamaal Charles with the first pick of the draft, or the funny quotient on this roster would be though the roof. Draft Recap:
Peyton - likely out for year
Colston - out 4 weeks
Collie - 1 head shot from vegetable
LRSH - injured
Ford - injured
Jackson - injured
Moss - not on a team.
Great draft Barron. Seriously. Oops! forgot to mention Bironas in the 13th round. Ouch.
12. Kinger's Cowboys [165.5] Gary, Gary, Gary. Two time winner of the micropenis Badge of Dishonor. Le sigh. It is a rough and tumble league to be sure. On the bright side, you just need to sneak a pack of smokes into work and you'll have your entry fee back in no time. That or a ball of heroin. Six of one, half dozen of the other, if you ask me. Both of which are about 6 more than the number of wins I'm guessing the Ol' Cowboys bank this year. And remember, don't share needles… or draft kickers in the 12th round. Both can kill you.
Other News Around the League…
Shady, Treacherous, No-Good League Manager Dealings. Looks like Clint changed the trade deadline and then changed it back. This is not the first time this happened. Back in 2004 he did this during the playoffs for our PS2 Madden '03 Franchise League. He added Randy Moss to his roster and then promptly lost his first playoff game. Keep an eye on him. [I won the Super Bowl]. -- EDIT: Turns out it was Don and he did it by accident.
Two More Trophies, because Why the Fuck Not. "The Rake" will go to the player with the most points who loses a game. "The Nuts" will go to the player with the least points who wins.
Awarding the WAAAAAAHH! Trophy to… Me. For above whine about losing.
Good stuff Mike. How disturbing that it took you only 24 hrs to find a picture of a cunt and a Panda...together. Looking at that girl's leg, it looks as if she has been bitten. Pandas play rough. Your porn collection must be exquisitely organized. All I can say is savor the flavor mother-fuckers because the Stars are not going to lose another game the rest of the season. Okay, perhaps one but that is it. I only lost 3 games last year. Keep up the good work Mike. As you know, I have never had a losing record before and I can use the humor.
ReplyDeleteThat's precisely why I dish it out Don. Otherwise you would not have been the subject of last year's opus. I lost two full work days working on that masterpiece. As for the panda pic, I literally found that on page one of an "appropriate" Google search. There are some sick fucks out there.
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