any given sunday fantasy football blog: It is what it is... WEEK 3 RECAP!

from an IM Chat on Tuesday...

MIKE: Yes! Colts are working out: Dan Orlovsky and Brodie Croyle. I thought we couldn't do any better to get Luck. I was wrong
CLINT: Hahahahaha.
CLINT: Love the enthusiasm
MIKE: I think Peyton's career might be over. like 52% sure
CLINT: From local news leaks, or your own gut feeling?
MIKE: just hearing what people are saying about this injury, and that if it gets re-injured, he could be looking at permanent paralysis in his arm. He'll have to do the John McCain with his arm for the rest of his life. Although it would be fitting, that perhaps the biggest, baddest cannon in the history of the NFL is sacrificed for greatness and one last chance to throw on the #18 and get r done for the home crowd full of just idiotic rednecks.
CLINT: I pray that he returns, stays healthy, wins another SuperBowl, and rides off into the sunset on a blue steed.
CLINT: Not a painted horse, a genetically engineered blue-haired Colt.
CLINT: Named Eli.
MIKE: Eli Cooper Horsecock the 3rd
CLINT: Eli Olivia-Cooper Archibald the 18th.
CLINT: The horsecock is implied....not to mention dragging 3 feet on the ground behind it...
MIKE: Elisha Olivia Newton Cooper Archibald Horsecock the 18th
CLINT: Just the biggest, most glorious, royal blue HorseCock ever.
CLINT: THAT he would name Peyton.
CLINT: "Yep. This is my Colt, Elisha Olivia Newton Cooper Archibald Horsecock XVIII. His dong's name is Peyton."
MIKE: "See that 3 foot long piece of lumbering sausage just swaying back and forth between the hindquarters of this fine fuck monster of a stallion with the swagger of a Navy SEAL? That there is Peyton."
CLINT: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
MIKE: this is great. I didn't have an intro for the recap. This chat will be it.
CLINT: Poetry. Pure poetry. Let's see Mya Angelou recite THAT at Obamas re-inauguration.
MIKE: it would have been better if they just retired her ass and let David Allen Grier handle these events
CLINT: Agreed. I think if Obama has gleaned anything from this temultuous first term, it's that.
CLINT: Peyton Manning > Horsecock Manning > David Allen Grier > Mya Angelou.
MIKE: And there's the tidy bow. Alright biddy. Gotta go pickup the kid.
CLINT: Good stuff.
CLINT: One last thing:
CLINT: You might say: "See that 3 foot lumbering sausage swaying back and forth with the swagger of a Navy Seal under the hindquarters of this fine fuck machine of a stallion? That there is Lil Peyton Manning."
CLINT: Something like that.
CLINT: Talk to you later.
CLINT: Biddy.
MIKE: right. I was looking at that too. And what I most certainly DID NOT want, was for someone to think the Navy SEAL Swagger had anything to do with Elisha Olivia Newton Cooper Archibald Horsecock XVIII, but rather was explicitly referring to Lil' Peyton. Ambiguous phrasing can really take the shine off a precious gem such as this. Good catch.
CLINT: Thx buddy. It was you're gem, I just helped polish it.
MIKE: You'll be polishing a lot more than my gems by the end of this season... but you won't be polishing my trophy, because you will fail to possess it outright.
MIKE: biddy
CLINT: Well, I, uh, disagree.
CLINT: Biddy.

WEEK 3 RECAP!

Lucky Division. 3-0

1. Clintonians [404 pts - 1st]

Trophies Earned: Big Dick Badge of Honor

So. Clint has a fuck-ton of points and no losses. He also has 3 of the top 5 RBs in the league. May Exploding ACLs Be Upon Your Team [EACLBUYT].

This. For your whole team. This. [shudders]

2. Boston NoNeckNicks [339 - 4th]

Trophies Earned: DOMINATOR AWARD [largest margin of victory]

Strong start of the season for my bro, but each win comes against the lower half of the league. Nonetheless, beating inferior competition is required to be a champion. Unfortunately for you, next week you do not face inferior competition.

42! pts from Welker. He could have scored -26.5 and Nick would still have beaten Slovy.

-- Gritty Division. 2-1

3. Naptown FinkleHorns [358.5 - 2nd]

Trophies Earned: none

To quote myself - and I quote: "I'm a Whoop His Ass." - Champ circa last week

4. King Slayer [347 - 3rd]

Trophies Earned: FIAT Fuck! Say Fuck! Trophy [closest margin of defeat]

Everyone should imagine a dotted line right below this. If you're below that line, You're currently chasing a playoff spot. Through three weeks of play we've identified the cream of the crop and you're not in it. On the bright side of things, Ryan Allen is above this line, and if he can make it up here, so can you.

This is the Great wall of China, Slovy

5. Rated Arg For Pirates [311.5 - 8th]

Trophies Earned: none

Other than Dirk and Don, Frank has the highest disparity between rank and points position. I'm not sure what to make of this other than Frank is very, very average.

Coincidentially, Pittsburghers are known to eat their young.

6. The Slippery Mittens [294.5 - 11th]

Trophies Earned: GMC Never Say Never Trophy [closest margin of victory]

The Nuts [winner with fewest points]

The Dirk Reclamation Project 2011 is in full swing, albeit held together by roughly the same level of organization and hope for success as Ron Paul's presidential campaign ["no, dude! First we hit the bong, then we stand on street corners and babble about the Federal Reserve and being the sovereign of ourselves, man… Are you going to shower before we go? Me neither."]. He's 6th in the standings and 11th in points, so even though he beat RKA this weekend he still trails him in the points tiebreaker. But, hey, above .500 is above .500, and it's been a while. So welcome to this side of the ledger.

… or something

-- Need More Grit Division. 1-2

7. Team Zubak [314.5 - 7th]

Trophies Earned: none

I think we all knew Zoobie was coming out with a loss this weekend.

8. Team RELENTLESS [314 - 6th]

Trophies Earned: none

Barron got a much needed 1st win this week, and traded away All Day while grabbing what would have been his opponent's 2nd highest producer for the week. You may not like the trade, but you can't argue with the results.

9. Knee Grows [309 - 9th]

Trophies Earned: Micropenis Badge of Dishonor [fewest points]

BUTT HURT Participation Ribbon [largest margin of defeat]

Slovy takes an L with the worst outing for the year so far, taking home both the Micropenis and the BUTT HURT. He also changed his team name once again, and once again the internet proves it has no limitations. Internet 2, Slovy 0. Keep 'em coming, Josh.

Wait… I'm confused.

10. Kinger's Cowboys [286 - 12th]

Trophies Earned: none

Gary earns his first win in the League. His Any Given Sunday Cherry is popped. You've been promoted from "never-was" to "also-ran".

-- Expletive Redacted Division. 0-3

11. Rock Hill Stars [326.5 - 5th]

Trophies Earned: The Rake [loser with most points]

Don came in looking for his first win and did all the right things. Make sound trades on Sunday morning when the rest of the league was trying to pray away the pain from the prior evening. Instead, he takes the Rake, is ranked 5TH[!!!] in the league in scoring, but sits in 11th place. This. This right here is what fantasy football is all about. The grave injustice of no good deed going unpunished. Here's hoping Don can get on the right track next week by trading AP to get himself a win over Barron. The circle of life would then be complete.