It is what it is... WEEK 3 RECAP!

from an IM Chat on Tuesday...

MIKE: Yes! Colts are working out: Dan Orlovsky and Brodie Croyle. I thought we couldn't do any better to get Luck. I was wrong
CLINT: Hahahahaha.
CLINT: Love the enthusiasm
MIKE: I think Peyton's career might be over. like 52% sure
CLINT: From local news leaks, or your own gut feeling?
MIKE: just hearing what people are saying about this injury, and that if it gets re-injured, he could be looking at permanent paralysis in his arm. He'll have to do the John McCain with his arm for the rest of his life. Although it would be fitting, that perhaps the biggest, baddest cannon in the history of the NFL is sacrificed for greatness and one last chance to throw on the #18 and get r done for the home crowd full of just idiotic rednecks.
CLINT: I pray that he returns, stays healthy, wins another SuperBowl, and rides off into the sunset on a blue steed.
CLINT: Not a painted horse, a genetically engineered blue-haired Colt.
CLINT: Named Eli.
MIKE: Eli Cooper Horsecock the 3rd
CLINT: Eli Olivia-Cooper Archibald the 18th.
CLINT: The horsecock is implied....not to mention dragging 3 feet on the ground behind it...
MIKE: Elisha Olivia Newton Cooper Archibald Horsecock the 18th
CLINT: Just the biggest, most glorious, royal blue HorseCock ever.
CLINT: THAT he would name Peyton.
CLINT: "Yep. This is my Colt, Elisha Olivia Newton Cooper Archibald Horsecock XVIII.  His dong's name is Peyton."
MIKE: "See that 3 foot long piece of lumbering sausage just swaying back and forth between the hindquarters of this fine fuck monster of a stallion with the swagger of a Navy SEAL? That there is Peyton."
CLINT: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
MIKE: this is great. I didn't have an intro for the recap. This chat will be it.
CLINT: Poetry. Pure poetry. Let's see Mya Angelou recite THAT at Obamas re-inauguration.
MIKE: it would have been better if they just  retired her ass and let David Allen Grier handle these events
CLINT: Agreed. I think if Obama has gleaned anything from this temultuous first term, it's that.
CLINT: Peyton Manning > Horsecock Manning > David Allen Grier > Mya Angelou.
MIKE: And there's the tidy bow. Alright biddy. Gotta go pickup the kid.
CLINT: Good stuff.
CLINT: One last thing:
CLINT: You might say: "See that 3 foot lumbering sausage swaying back and forth with the swagger of a Navy Seal under the hindquarters of this fine fuck machine of a stallion? That there is Lil Peyton Manning."
CLINT: Something like that.
CLINT: Talk to you later.
CLINT: Biddy.
MIKE: right. I was looking at that too. And what I most certainly DID NOT want, was for someone to think the Navy SEAL Swagger had anything to do with Elisha Olivia Newton Cooper Archibald Horsecock XVIII, but rather was explicitly referring to Lil' Peyton. Ambiguous phrasing can really take the shine off a precious gem such as this. Good catch.
CLINT: Thx buddy. It was you're gem, I just helped polish it.
MIKE: You'll be polishing a lot more than my gems by the end of this season... but you won't be polishing my trophy, because you will fail to possess it outright.
MIKE: biddy
CLINT: Well, I, uh, disagree.
CLINT: Biddy.

WEEK 3 RECAP!

Lucky Division. 3-0

1. Clintonians [404 pts - 1st] 

Trophies Earned: Big Dick Badge of Honor

So. Clint has a fuck-ton of points and no losses. He also has 3 of the top 5 RBs in the league. May Exploding ACLs Be Upon Your Team [EACLBUYT]. 

This. For your whole team. This. [shudders]

2. Boston NoNeckNicks [339 - 4th]

Trophies Earned: DOMINATOR AWARD [largest margin of victory]

Strong start of the season for my bro, but each win comes against the lower half of the league. Nonetheless, beating inferior competition is required to be a champion. Unfortunately for you, next week you do not face inferior competition.

42! pts from Welker. He could have scored -26.5 and Nick would still have beaten Slovy.

-- Gritty Division. 2-1

3. Naptown FinkleHorns [358.5 - 2nd]

Trophies Earned: none

To quote myself - and I quote: "I'm a Whoop His Ass." - Champ circa last week

4. King Slayer [347 - 3rd]

Trophies Earned: FIAT Fuck! Say Fuck! Trophy [closest margin of defeat]

Everyone should imagine a dotted line right below this. If you're below that line, You're currently chasing a playoff spot. Through three weeks of play we've identified the cream of the crop and you're not in it. On the bright side of things, Ryan Allen is above this line, and if he can make it up here, so can you.

This is the Great wall of China, Slovy

5. Rated Arg For Pirates [311.5 - 8th]

Trophies Earned: none

Other than Dirk and Don, Frank has the highest disparity between rank and points position. I'm not sure what to make of this other than Frank is very, very average.

Coincidentially, Pittsburghers are known to eat their young.

6. The Slippery Mittens [294.5 - 11th]

Trophies Earned: GMC Never Say Never Trophy [closest margin of victory]

  The Nuts [winner with fewest points]

The Dirk Reclamation Project 2011 is in full swing, albeit held together by roughly the same level of organization and hope for success as Ron Paul's presidential campaign ["no, dude! First we hit the bong, then we stand on street corners and babble about the Federal Reserve and being the sovereign of ourselves, man… Are you going to shower before we go? Me neither."]. He's 6th in the standings and 11th in points, so even though he beat RKA this weekend he still trails him in the points tiebreaker. But, hey, above .500 is above .500, and it's been a while. So welcome to this side of the ledger. 

… or something

-- Need More Grit Division. 1-2

7. Team Zubak [314.5 - 7th]

Trophies Earned: none

I think we all knew Zoobie was coming out with a loss this weekend. 

8. Team RELENTLESS [314 - 6th]

Trophies Earned: none

Barron got a much needed 1st win this week, and traded away All Day while grabbing what would have been his opponent's 2nd highest producer for the week. You may not like the trade, but you can't argue with the results.

9. Knee Grows [309 - 9th]

Trophies Earned: Micropenis Badge of Dishonor [fewest points]

BUTT HURT Participation Ribbon [largest margin of defeat]

Slovy takes an L with the worst outing for the year so far, taking home both the Micropenis and the BUTT HURT. He also changed his team name once again, and once again the internet proves it has no limitations. Internet 2, Slovy 0. Keep 'em coming, Josh.

Wait… I'm confused.

10. Kinger's Cowboys [286 - 12th]

Trophies Earned: none

Gary earns his first win in the League. His Any Given Sunday Cherry is popped. You've been promoted from "never-was" to "also-ran".

-- Expletive Redacted Division. 0-3

11. Rock Hill Stars [326.5 - 5th]

Trophies Earned: The Rake [loser with most points]

Don came in looking for his first win and did all the right things. Make sound trades on Sunday morning when the rest of the league was trying to pray away the pain from the prior evening. Instead, he takes the Rake, is ranked 5TH[!!!] in the league in scoring, but sits in 11th place. This. This right here is what fantasy football is all about. The grave injustice of no good deed going unpunished. Here's hoping Don can get on the right track next week by trading AP to get himself a win over Barron. The circle of life would then be complete.

12. The Bloody Mummers [299.5 - 10th]

Trophies Earned: none

This will be the last time I mention the Bloody Mummers until they win a game*. That is all.

*comedic circumstances not withstanding 

 

Let's just say you've got an uphill battle ahead of you.

-- Champ Out

WEEK 3 PREVIEW

MATCHUPS! WEEK 3 BITCHES 

Battle of the 0'fers! We will have one less winless team this week as Kinger's Cowboys take on the ROCK HILL STARS in this week's Kissin' Cousins Pillow Fight of the Week™. Hopefully this game ends in a tie, otherwise one of you will be tied with Zubak, because...

I'm a Whoop His Ass! That is all.

The Other Cousins. Barron and Frank face off to determine whose hometown smells a little less putrid than the other's. With Franklin Delano Dermody XXIX favored by 18.5, Barron is staring down the barrel at 0-3. For the sake of the league, let's hope this does not happen.

Revenge Match. I fully expect and hope that the Commish beats the Bloody Mummers to bloody pulpers just like I did, completing the cycle of revenge for our 147˚F draft day conditions. Never Forget.

Body Parts. The NoNeckNicks take on the Cunts. I'm cheering against my bro in this one, just so we can wipe out as many undefeated teams as possible. Except for Clint v. Ricky Dale. Never Forget.

The Dirk Reclamation Project 2011. Is this for real? If Dirk can sweep the Allens with a win this weekend, he'll have a winning record for the first time since '09. Ryan Allen, well, is Ryan Allen. Some how his rag tag group of middle-of-the-pack's is leading the league in scoring. Regression to the mean is inevitable. Eventually. Right? 

A new season is upon us.

First, a little housekeeping as I never posted a follow to my playoffs post last season - I beat Don in last year's Super Bowl and am defending league champ. Because, obviously. Moving on...

Any Given Sunday Fantasy Football League 2011

So, I'd have done a recap of the slate of week 1 games, but I was in 1st place with my 1 year old daughter's birthday to plan, execute and enjoy and after attending the Michigan / ND game, figured that my life had jumped the normal track that normal lives normally traverse, with ebbs, flows, ups and downs, and landed itself on an anomalous timespace Mobius strip full of hoppy beer, naked virgin spring-breaking coeds with an insatiable desire to sexually satisfy, with football on every other TV channel and the Godfather I and II on loop on every other one, where nothing ever would ever go wrong ever. As I found this weekend, I just happened to be on the most extreme end of a pendular ride on a bolt of lightning that had just acquiesced the surrounding plasmatic air's reassembly into normalized gaseous molecules. The elemental structure of the universe has returned equilibrium. Fuck. You. Fantasy. Football.

"Cake? What cake?"

Suck it Irish. Suck it.

You might be asking, "Mike, what in the fuck are you talking about?" To you sir, I would say, keep reading.

Antonio Gates scores, uh, NOTHING!?! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. THIS IS NOT A QUESTION, HENCE THE PERIOD ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. Because the answer is "yes". For just the second time since 2003. Fuck. You. Fantasy. Football.

The Jets score 32 "real" football points and PlaxToTheMax and LT combine for 1/2 of a fantasy point? That is, in fact, a question, I really don't understand and am looking for clarity. Edit: I just checked: 3 FGs, 1 D/ST TD, and a rushing Tuddy by Greene. Fuck. You. Fantasy. Football.

Brady overthrows Branch in the end zone in the 3rd qtr to cost me 12 combined fantasy points between the two, in what was likely his only bad pass of the season so far? Having those two on your fantasy team is like having a threesome with Brady's wife and his other baby's mama every Sunday. I'm pretty sure I just got fucked by the pizza delivery guy and a Wal-Mart greeter from a small town with unsafe levels of lead and arsenic in their water. Fuck. You. Fantasy. Football.

 

fantasy within a fantasy, like "Inception"

So, all in all, a pretty fun week of Fantasy Football. A couple matches came down to the wire, most notably Nick eeeeeeeeeked out a victory thanks to 3 J Brown field goals to maintain a small lead over Eli's predictably pedestrian performance on Monday night. Gary was hoping against hope that Jacobs could close the gap for him, but Ahmad Bradshaw kept pace and beat his teammate. Kind of funny to watch two backs on the same team playing against each other. And Don was hoping for something more from Hakeem Nicks, but when a guy named "Manning", but not named "Peyton" is throwing the ball to your last player, you can expect to be disappointed. Speaking of, I'm proud that my Colts are tied for the lead in the Andrew Luck Sweepstakes. yay.

The Unlosered Yets - "yet" being the operative word, fuckfaces

1. King Slayer [260.5] - You mutt bastard. You beat the best team in the league. I hope you sleep well tonight and then are haunted by your success and falter like…

2. The Clintonians [256.5] …Clint around week 8 or 9, as he usually does. Last year's playoff appearance was an obvious aberration. For what it's worth [2 wins] Clint has swept his nuclear family series, defeating his little bro in week 1 and his ol' man in week 2. Reminds me of that preachery kid from "There Will Be Blood". I… drink… your… milkshake, Clint. I drink it up… EVERYDAY!

I Drink Your Milkshake!

3. Rated Arg For Pirates [238.5] Frank lives in Pittsburgh [ew], and I'm pretty sure his fantasy football team name contains a baseball reference. There will be a trophy to "honor" this egregious misuse of ESPN's user-editable fields. We should probably also create a trophy for "winner with the lowest points", because you'd get that one, too. Good win, Frank, good for you. Fucking Pittsburgh. I can't wait for all of the Steelers fans about to roll into my city this week and pretend that #18 is under center when they beat the living shit out of the Colts.

4. Boston NoNeckNicks [210.5] Despite his #1 pick accounting for a total of 4 fantasy points, Mr. Brehmer has strung together a couple wins, albeit coming against the two statistically worst teams. Which, since this is fantasy football, really just means the two worst teams. Kickers won't be able to bail you out every week, bro.

The Average Joes - so depressingly average [for me… Dirk is thrilled]

5. Naptown FinkleHorns [256] I am awesome. I am also at .500. But, mostly, I'm awesome.

6. Panda's Are Cunts [249.5] FYI: that apostrophe doesn't belong there. Either way, it's probably the best team name so far this year. Keep up the good work. But we can let it slide for now because you, sir, have earned the BIG DICK Badge of Honor. Coming a week after earning the FIAT Fuck! Say Fuck! Trophy. Things are looking up for you Slovy! Which can only mean one thing: complete and utter failure is lurking right around the corner.

close enough, right?

7. Team Zubak [235.5] Zubak scored the most points of any loser for this week. Check out the Other League News below for details on - yes - another trophy. This loss also cements fantasy lore into fantasy gospel, that Joe Flacco will never, ever fail to disappoint his fantasy owners when he's needed most.

8. The Slippery Mittens [207.5] Last week Dirk's kicker outscored everybody in his lineup except his QB [27 pts], with only his kicker posting double digits [10]. Goes from the BUTT HURT participation ribbon to DOMINATOR AWARD in the span of the week. This week Dirk says:

fuck the world!

Oprah's Holocaust Cellar [because down here it's a little crowded and there's not a lot of hope… BUT… FREE TATTOOS FOR EVERYONE!! you got tattooed! you got tattooed! you got tattooed! everyone gets tattoooooooooed!]

9. Rock Hill Stars [212.5] - The Stars have yet to align for the league's patriarch. I hate to think that Don will be 100 years old before things come together for the Stars. If that's the case, dollars to donuts Don is growing horns out of his head.

this is real

10. The Bloody Mummers [204.5] You "earned" the BUTT HURT participation ribbon, so "Bloody" certainly applies. And if "Mummer" is some English term for "Eric's Asshole" well, then I completely agree.

11. Team Relentless [202.5] Barron's team has been relentlessly hit by the injury bug. Peyton Manning's end of his deal with the devil came due this offseason, and Marques Colston is out for another couple weeks. Luckily, he didn't take Arian Foster or Jamaal Charles with the first pick of the draft, or the funny quotient on this roster would be though the roof. Draft Recap:

Peyton - likely out for year
Colston - out 4 weeks
Collie - 1 head shot from vegetable
LRSH - injured
Ford - injured
Jackson - injured
Moss - not on a team.

Great draft Barron. Seriously. Oops! forgot to mention Bironas in the 13th round. Ouch.

12. Kinger's Cowboys [165.5] Gary, Gary, Gary. Two time winner of the micropenis Badge of Dishonor. Le sigh. It is a rough and tumble league to be sure. On the bright side, you just need to sneak a pack of smokes into work and you'll have your entry fee back in no time. That or a ball of heroin. Six of one, half dozen of the other, if you ask me. Both of which are about 6 more than the number of wins I'm guessing the Ol' Cowboys bank this year. And remember, don't share needles… or draft kickers in the 12th round. Both can kill you.

Other News Around the League…

Shady, Treacherous, No-Good League Manager Dealings. Looks like Clint changed the trade deadline and then changed it back. This is not the first time this happened. Back in 2004 he did this during the playoffs for our PS2 Madden '03 Franchise League. He added Randy Moss to his roster and then promptly lost his first playoff game. Keep an eye on him. [I won the Super Bowl]. -- EDIT: Turns out it was Don and he did it by accident.

Two More Trophies, because Why the Fuck Not. "The Rake" will go to the player with the most points who loses a game. "The Nuts" will go to the player with the least points who wins.

Awarding the WAAAAAAHH! Trophy to… Me. For above whine about losing.