I'm back. And may you all get fucked.

So after a two game hiatus of active participation in this poor excuse for a fantasy league, Mikey Clements makes his triumphant return.

What's sad, is that in my absence, not only did not anyone contribute to the excellent level of shit-talking that I established before taking leave, but all you Mick R. Tards were able to accomplish was a botched trade. Speaking of, if EDA had proposed the same deal a week earlier, there's no way i'd have reversed that trade. Don possesses a Christ-like capacity for forgiveness. I'd work on that, Don.

For reasons that should be obvious, I changed my team name to the Cate Rileys last week. This was in honor of my new daughter, born on 9/18 at 1:51am after 17 hours of labor and weighing 8 lbs 3 oz. Cate Riley Clements is pictured here...

Delmar: Everett, I never figured you for a pater familias.

Everett: Oh yes, I have spread my seed.

And for the record, it takes an F5 Tornado of a loadslinger to make a baby this cute.

However, that team lost due to a missed 20 yard field goal by Garrett Hartley in overtime, and a yard or two here or there left on the field. Or had Rodgers tossed that ball to Driver in the back of the end zone instead of running it in, I'm atop the division with the Pride of Bedford (which is not too unlike the whitehead pimple on a hemorrhoid), Barron Hewetson.

Long story short, the team name "Cate Rileys" is 1-1. One more loss and this "unconditional love" theory is out the window.

Now on to important things...

1/4. We are roughly a quarter of the way through the season, which is a perfect time for a recap and snapshot of where the league stands now. I'll do this by division so you secondary alacrity-deprived mutt-fucks don't get too confused.

In the east, Clint remains undefeated. He ranks only 7th in the league in scoring, but has by far the fewest points against. So way to go, I guess. This should catch up to you soon. Don completely fucked me this weekend and I've prayed for a plague upon his house for the past two nights as he sits a half game out. Maybe this bedbug epidemic will find it's way to Rock Hill, SC this week, and Don's crotch specifically. The rest of you bastards really need to step up to make this a competitive division (this excludes Slovy and Nick, whose seasons are already over).

In the west, as previously stated, Barron leads the division, putting up respectable scoring numbers while, like Clint, has played the weakest competition by a mile. Jessica and I are "tied", although if the playoffs started today, I would get the nod, as: 1. I'm not a woman 2. I have scored more points. Ryan Allen, Esq. sits two games out after three, and holds the distinction of just barely not being worst in the division, as Zuby and Dirk sissy fight their way to the bottom of the league.

Week 4

Perfection vs. Perfection. Two 3-0 teams take on two 0-3 teams. Clint v. Nick and Zubak v. Barron. This does not seem to be a week where teams will trend towards the mean. Life is a cruel bitch that way.

Women's League News/The Feud/Kissin' Cousins Bowl becomes the Ike & Tina Bowl. My three favorite highlights combine into one, as the only Hewetson family head-to-head matchup includes the only family member in this league without a penis battling against Jess. Last week Jessica took it on the chin from her other cousin Barron, which leaves the women's league scores at:

Jessica: 2

Barron: 1

Ryan Allen: 0
Dirk: 0

and leaves Barron with an oh-so-awkward feeling as he falls asleep at night. This week Frank hopes to make this feeling his own.

Bring out the Gimp. Ricky Dale and I look to keep Slovy and Dirk from rising up from the depths. They essentially are the personification of the gimp. You haven't heard them, they aren't self-sufficient, laugh at other's misery, and will soon be knocked the fuck out. Oh, and they don't mind it in the ass.

Average Joes. Finally, Don and Ryan battle for mediocrity. May you both fall short.

Fatherhood calls, pussies. See you on the flip side of week 4.