From Sept 15th. Week 1 recap.

A full 36 hours since the end to an unbelievable Week 1 and not a peep on this board?

Then I offer to this humble league of failures a week 1 recap. And so:

Hottest, Beefiest Load Drop: Ricky Dale over the Aborted Fetus Club's hairy defeated chest by 65. Slovy had two-count-'em-two-i'll-say-it-again-two players in the negative with only one scoring more than 8 points. Ricky D was good for 2nd best in the league. When your opponent's kicker outscores everyone on your team except the QB, it ain't gonna be a good day. Slovy: not unlike these aborted fetuses in this "club" you did not win this week.

Estrogen Watch: Nick Brehmer. Broseph. 37. At least you're favored this week against the aforementioned Load Dropper.

The Viagra Award: Don Hewetson. San Diego just couldn't quiiiiite get it up the field enough to get you that XP you needed for the win. "Big Ben is Just Misunderstood" is ineligible for this award due to safety concerns.

Women's League Scores: Jessica 1. Ryan Allen 0.

League Week 1 Champion: Me. Mathematically expressed: Me > You.

Somebody's going to have to pick up the slack this week for a preview as my wife will be giving birth to our first child, Cate some time on Friday. As the prophecy foretold: the birth of this child prodigy will be a blessing upon her father, as he will go on to dominate fantasy leagues for a generation.

Oh, and ND fans if you're in this league… lick 'em. Go Blue.

KICKOFF!

Well, it's finally arrived. Welcome to Week 1, pussies! All of the broken dreams and unfulfilled promises of yesteryear rise anew, in what is to be an equally unsatisfying fantasy season. It's called "fantasy" because your possession of the Any Given Sunday Adam Allen Memorial Trophy will remain only that. That shit is mine.

The season kicks off with a veritable smorgasbord of divisional matchups. Side note: each of these matchups will be repeated TWO MORE TIMES this season. So put on your hater-shades and focus! Without further ado… 

In the Pansy division (east)…

My Boston-based brosephus challenges my Chicago-camped commissioner in what looks to be a matchup of Clintonian's RBs vs. NoNeckNick's WRs. I give the edge in this one to Clint for two reasons: 1. he's favored by over thirty points. 2. Early wins are necessary for the unavoidable crash that will be Clint's second half of the season. Interesting fact: Both of these teams are of 5 total in the league named after their owners (6 if you count Slovy's Slop Hole squad). Weak sauce! let's get our little imagination engines working here, m'kay folks?

Slop Hole v Ricky Dale. I could give two shits about you two, but that would be a waste of two shits then, wouldn't it? To sum up…

And last but quite possibly least also, too… In what's sure to be a weekly feature in this absurdly inbred league, let's play the Feud!! Don the Magic Juan leads the ROCK HILL STARS (caps lock button in on the LEFT of the keyboard) in the hopes of taking his smart ass little nephew out to the woodshed for a good ol' fashion ass-whuppin'. Frank, you're a good shit, but I'm with Don on this one for two reasons: 1. I'm old school and Don is old, ergo, yada-yada. 2. Don is not from Pittsburgh. In all likelihood, though this matchup will end up looking something like this...

With the spreads as wide as they are, this division appears to be the haves-and-have-nots. My money is still on Clint missing the playoffs.

In the Power division (west)…

THE FEUD PART 2, 1st Edition. This is going to be ridiculous. Barron and Dirk Hewetson face off in the Kissin' Cousins Bowl. No matter who wins everyone loses in these, because even if you do win, you just fucked your cousin… and who can take pleasure in that (quiet down Slovy). I think the following sums this up nicely…

Ryan Allen faces off with J-Mo McSuperBowl, last year's self-alleged phantom league Champion, which is so comical and unbelievable that Jessica, if you do win this year (without help from the half of the league that is your family) I will personally drive up to Chicago and make YOU a sandwich. How 'bout that? Ryan, so help me god, if you get beat by a girl you will never live it down. This is football, not your weekly knitting circle, so be sure your head is in the fucking game. 

And finally, The Naptown FinkleHorns look to dominate Cromartie's Kidz thusly:

With ol #4's career likely to end in the 1st quarter tonight, I don't see this as being too difficult.

Good luck, pussies, may you experience heartbreak and have your weekends ruined.